Would you like to revive an old relationship?
How could we bring the spark back to a relationship where all the passion and joy have disappeared?
Do you want your love to stay alive for many years to come?
Turns out there is a surprisingly simple solution to all these complex challenges - if you find out how the system works.
I happened to listen to the audio book "The 5 love languages" (Gary Chapman) some time ago and during the listening I felt like the puzzle pieces suddenly started falling into place and the picture becoming clear. I started to think of my past relationships and finally realized what had happened. I wish I had known these things earlier ...
Gary Chapman has been a couple`s counselor for decades. At one point, he began to notice patterns in how people feel they are loved, and wrote a book about it that has sold millions of copies all around the world.
I am very grateful that someone has done such a huge work and I don't have to learn these things through trial, error and frustration any more. I finally understand how the system works and what to do differently in the future.
I will give a brief overview of this book and also add some thoughts that I have learned from somewhere else.
We all want to be loved - this is one of our basic needs - without love we are not half as happy and capable as we could be. Love is the driving force - we conquer mountain tops, cross seas, build roads into the deserts and overcome great obstacles for it.
We see the world differently, but expect other people to be like us. In fact, we do not see the world as it really is, but as we are and we project ourselves to other people. We automatically assume that others are the same as us and that things work the same for them as for us.
In fact, people feel loved in very different ways - turns out there are five different love languages (and some of them even have different dialects). What makes one person feel loved may not make another person feel the same way at all.
The good news is, however, that there are only five of these languages, and they are quite easy to understand and learn.
We all have 2-3 basic love languages and usually one of them is the strongest.
Children who have not grown up in a loving environment have acquired faulty and incomplete love language. This does not mean that they cannot become good communicators, but they will have to work much harder to acquire effective ways of communicating.
We all have so-called a "love container" that needs filling up. When this container begins to empty, the feeling of love begins to fade away, we then withdraw or become very angry. Filling the love tank is the key to making the relationship work again. If we can find a way to fill this container, we can revive the relationship. If we want our partner to feel truly loved, we need to understand what their primary love language is and start expressing love in a language they understand. Love languages coincide very rarely - usually they are different. We can't offer others what we need ourselves because it just doesn't have the same effect on them as for us. We may think that we are showing them our love but if we don't offer it to them in their love language, it doesn`t matter because they still won't feel loved.
For example, if our own love language is receiving gifts, we automatically assume that our partner feels exactly the same about receiving gifts and we are very confused when they don`t show any gratitude or are upset instead. We automatically think that they don`t appreciate or love us and they don`t care. But the truth is that receiving gifts is just not their love language - they don`t understand it as an expression of love, and may be upset because they see gifts as a means of manipulation or are upset because we do not understand what they really need.
We are all selfish and offer something to others only when we first get what we want. But to get different results, we need to do something differently. In order to receive, it is necessary to give first - often without expectations, because if there are no expectations, there will be also no disappointment.
If we offer our partner what he or she needs, we will have wonderful relationships and a happier life in return.
When we are in love, we have an illusion that our partner is perfect and doesn't notice anything wrong with them. Unfortunately, after a while (studies show that after two years), the effects of love chemicals gradually starts to fade away and then small things start to irritate.
About 50% of marriages end in divorce because we are simply not taught what to do to keep love alive.
In order to keep love alive, you need to contribute to it all the time!
So what are these different languages?
Our 5 love languages are:
Words of Affirmation
Quality time
Receiving gifts
Acts of service
Physical touch
1. Words of affirmation - expressing nice things verbally, like praise, recognition, compliments, kindness, respect, admiration, gratitude, encouragement, support.
For example: "You look so good!", "You can do it!", "I believe in you!", "I really appreciate you washing the dishes today!", "You did it very well!", " You're so good! "," You're the best! "
This love language has different forms (dialects). One of the forms is praise and recognition, second one is encouragement and support and the third one is a kind and loving voice tone and kind treatment.
If you know that a person's dialect is a kind voice tone, you must always ask this person politely and never tell them orders. If you shout at that person, you will hurt them a lot and empty their love tank very quickly. After that, they can no longer trust you.
People whose language of love is the words of affirmation are wounded by the words much more easily and deeper than others. Therefore, you should be very careful with your words.
How do you know if someone's love language is words of affirmation?
Give them a sincere praise and look at the effect of it. If the recipient becomes very happy, it is most likely one of their love languages. However, if a person becomes very suspicious and they are looking for some kind of hidden agenda behind your compliment, it is probably not their love language.
The compliment must be really sincere, because people will understand very quickly if it is not, and turn suspicious immediately.
When a person with this love language does something for you, it is a good idea to praise and acknowledge it - then they will want to repeat this behavior, because praise is extremely important for them.
Praise them one-on-one and publicly whenever possible.
If your partner often complains that you don't notice her new hairstyle / dress / shoes or complains that you are not telling her enough compliments, then the words of affirmation is probably her love language. However, don`t take complaining personally - just take it as information that she is not feeling loved at the moment and what she actually is saying: “Please love me, I don`t feel being loved right now.”
2. Quality time
Quality Time has also different dialects: spending time together, full attention and deep conversations.
In general, it means spending time together, doing things together, deep conversations, full attention from the partner, strong emotional connection.
Time is the greatest value that you can offer to that person, because connection is what they need the most. They value memories and emotions that are created together. They enjoy sharing memories, talking about dreams, sharing thoughts and feelings, empathetic dialogue and understanding.
If they often complain that you are never doing anything together, then quality time is probably their strongest love language and the complaining is a warning sign that their love tank is becoming empty.
If a partner complains that you never talk to each other, the dialect of the love language is probably deep conversations - an emotional connection. If that's the case - try to really understand their feelings. Listen to them carefully and do not condemn or judge. Accept them totally. Listen to understand, not to answer and try to reflect their emotions back to them with your own words. Keep strong eye contact. They feel loved when they have your full attention.
If you listen carefully to what they say, they will feel loved and be really grateful to you.
When you speak to your partner in their love language and offer them what they actually need, you will gain a huge credit to yourself as well.
3. Receiving gifts
Gifts are a symbol to that person - somebody thought about me, they remembered me, they care about me.
If somebody gets really happy when receiving gifts and likes to give a lot of gifts to others - this is probably their love language. However, if they start saying something like: “There was no need to waste all that money!” , this is probably not their love language.
The good news is that a gift doesn't have to be expensive at all! All gifts made from the heart are really valuable to them! It can be a handmade card, a single rose, a note with good wishes inserted into a handbag, a small candy ... all of this has a huge emotional value and makes them really happy!
If that person is sad, give them a little surprise and watch how their mood improves immediately.
4. Acts of service
For some people actions and helping means that you love them.
For men, whose primary love language is acts of service, is really important that their wife takes care of the home and children. When asked how do they know a woman loves them, they probably respond: "Because she keeps the house very clean and whenever I come home, hot food is already waiting."
Women, on the other hand, expect men to help them with household duties. It is very important for them that the lawn is mowed, everything is repaired and in order. They are grateful when you drive them to the store. They are also extremely happy, when a man sometimes comes to help with washing dishes or helps with other household chores when she has too much to do or she is really tired.
Does your loved one constantly complain that you are not doing anything at home? Does he suggest that you might sometimes pay more attention to cleaning or cooking? How many times have you heard that garbage is still not taken out?
What does this person really mean behind that?
Your loved one just doesn't feel loved at the moment. When she says, "You're not doing anything at home!" Or "Why haven't you repaired this closet yet?", she's actually saying: "I don't feel like you love me anymore. Love me!”
5. Physical touch
Patting on the shoulder, hugging, holding hands, placing a hand on the lower back, putting an arm around you, stroking the head, kissing on the cheek, being cuddled - non-sexual touch.
Physical touch expresses emotional love for them. They feel they are not loved when they are not touched!
For a person who cares about physical contact, there is nothing more painful than rejecting it.
When this person is having a hard time, a hug means more than everything for them. Words may not be very important for them, but touching shows that you really care.
If you cheat on them it will be devastating for them.
How do I know what my or my partner's love language is?
What you do for others is usually your own love language as well, because you subconsciously want it to be done for you as well. For example, if you constantly serve your loved one (bring them coffee, make them their favourite meal, iron their blouse), acts of service is most likely your own love language too. Usually people communicate with others in the language of their own love.
When the absence of something hurts you, the opposite is usually your love language. For example, if your partner ignores you and it hurts you tremendously, your love language is probably quality time and the dialect full attention.
One hint as well - look what you've been constantly asking from your partner. If you have constantly told him that you want to communicate with him, your love language is probably quality time and the dialect is quality conversations, sharing emotions.
If you are really interested in what your main love language is, then you can also take a free test here:
https://www.5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/
Summary
When we learn our partner's love language and offer them what they really need, they feel truly loved and love will never run out.
Love is our deepest emotional need, and we respond positively to the person who offers us what we really need.
Love requires constant commitment and it is a choice of whether or not to make your partner feel loved. If we want our partner to understand us, we must speak in their language.
When you understand what your partner's love language is and offer them exactly what they need, then the result is a happy, loving and satisfying long-term relationship. When their needs are met, they also want to offer you what you need in return.
Who would want to end a relationship where they get exactly what they need? If you offer your partner everything they need, then why would they want to go to somebody else? If your partner offers you everything your soul desires, what are you willing to do for them?
Acknowledge and praise it when your partner is willing to meet your needs - then they see that their efforts are appreciated and have motivation to continue.
Often we just don't know what to do because no one has ever taught us anything about the love languages. Learn to communicate your needs in a positive way.
Pay close attention to what your partner is asking from you - this is most likely what they really need.
I also found a video on Youtube where Gary Chapman describes it all in his own words:
If you are interested in a self development community, check out Better You Academy.
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